Thursday, December 8, 2011

Uh uh Mr.Vampire back it up, I don't roll like that!!

Now i know especially with the new Twilight Breaking Dawn movie out, there are many-a-girls who are obsessed with vampires and would give anything even their life to be with a vampire but I am NOT one of those girls!! Now don't get me wrong honey there are some FINE DELICIOUS vampires out there, i mean you have to give credit where it is due and boy OH boy is it DUE when it comes to the looks department....

Mmmmm mmmmmm woooo child im gonna print that one out and put it on my night stand!!!...ahem uhm what was i talking about again?....uhmmmmm...OH RIGHT! anyways despite how gorgeous vampires are I could never see myself marry let alone date a vampire and these are my reasons why:

  • Why the hell would i want to date someone who actually usually regards my kind as his prey and food supply??!! I mean excuse me for liking my haemoglobin right where it is and not running down my spouses oesophagus!!

So now not only do I have to worry about whether he loves me or not, or whether he is cheating on me now I gotta add the stress of whether one day he gonna bite a gal and "lose control" and suck her dry to a raisin?

  • And WHY IN THE HELL do girls think that being bit by a vampire is a sensual and exotic experience??!!Listen, I was bit by a chihuahua once and there was NOTHING sexy, sensual or exotic about it mmmkay!

I was in agonizing pain for weeks, so if a chihuahua with minute teeth could do so much physical and emotional damage on a gal like me imagine HUGE ASS vampire canines!!

  • My dear vampire lovers you obviously have not done your research quite well, because if you did then you would know that vampires carry rabies!! 

OH YES close that mouth! That hot tall smoking vampire making oogle eyes at you from across the room is rabies infested!Don't believe me? well leme school you honey-bunch, vampires are actually bats and bats are common rabies carriers in North America and most cases of rabies transmissions in the U.S over the past 50 years are from bats, so just remember while you being sensually bit on the neck a few weeks later you might just end up looking this:

and that aint sexy!

  • Also all these girls who have slept with vampires you should be ashamed of yourselves cas no matter which way you spin it you still slept with a BAT!!.....a very sexy bat BUT a BAT nonetheless but naaaaahhhh go ahead!keep on sleeping with bat men and we will see how happy you will be when you give birth too half-bat babies instead of sexy vampire looking ones!!

  • Marriage is a hard thing in itself just between mortals, maybe its just me because I have commitment issues but i just can't see myself not getting frustrated waking up to the same damn person everyday but as harsh as this will sound at least with a mortal you know that someday you will both die BUT damn  vampires are immortal you gotta wake up to the same man for ETERNITY!!! i mean eternity is a long ass time what will you talk about?! I would end up staking myself if not him if i was stuck in such a situation!
  • As much as I love going out at night and partying with friends i just don't think I can do eternal darkness, I love my sunshine way too much and being with a vampire would require me giving up sunshine and thats just a little too much, plus since they never go in the sun that would mean I would be dating the most palest man known in history and don't know about you but I don't want to be dating a Casper the ghost lookalike.

  • I'm claustrophobic so I definitely can not do coffins.
  • Sleeping with a vampire would make me a necrophiliac and that's just plain gross.
  • Vampires are immortal beings and thus never age. To most this is a good thing because it means that he will be hot for eternity but did you ever stop to think about you and how you are very mortal and thus will age. So many years down the line he will still be the same sexy, super fast and super strong vampire while you will be a half blind old wrinkly hag sitting in the living room attached to a dialysis machine with uncontrollable bowels. I will just kill myself if i had to wake up to sculpted handsome man while my body just decayed before his and my very eyes, if I'm gonna decay heck your ass better decay too cas we in this together!

So my dears next time a sexy vampire comes up to you before you fall head over heels in love take these pointers into consideration and if your smart enough you will end up taking out your crucifix and point it right at him and scream "Uh Uh Mr. Vampire back it up, Pixie taught me not to roll like that!"

Love, Peace and Bloody-coated hugs

*I'mmmmm baaaccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!*