Thursday, September 29, 2011

Survival Guide from a Mad Black Woman in a Zombie Apocalypse

  • Girl you need to surround yourself with slow ass people, yes you heard me get as many slow friends as you can get the fatter the better because they will be your shield, zombies go for slow people because they are the easiest to catch so all you got to do is be in the middle and watch each of them go down one by one until you reach your next hide-out spot.
  • Get yourself some guns and i meant it in plural form, whatever you can get your hands on GET IT, a real woman never walks around without her pistols.

  • You needs to get you a weave or some sort of hair extensions because the more fake hair you have the harder its goin be for the zombies to get to your brains.
  • If you are at a hide-out spot with a group of survivors and you realize that you are the ONLY black person in that crowd, then RUN bitch because the black person always dies in horror movies especially if they the only black one in the group.
  • If you suspect that your child may have turned into a zombie you need to have spare belts at hand so you can WHOOP the zombie out of that child, i mean you need to straight TEAR-THAT-ASS-UP you gotta tell these children straight up who they dealing with " I dun spent 12 hours in labour trying to give birth to your raggedy ass and now you wanna eat me? EAT THIS U LIL SPAWN OF SATAN!!!!"
  • Don't act so sad and cry about your husband turning into a zombie i mean aint like he was any different from before, heck i would say he has improved because at least now he has drive and ambitions. Also DO NOT hesitate for one bit to shoot his ass once he does turn because now with the apocalypse its all about you, screw "For better or worse" and think more on the lines of "Till death do you part" and you better kill him if you wanna part.
  • Unless your first name is Sherlock and your surname Holmes don't try to solve the puzzle as to how or why the apocalypse happened just be happy you are still alive and do not be dumb enough to go around opening doors trying to discover what's behind them because that will just get your ass killed.
  • If your in a room and hear a noise if your dumb enough to go and investigate it and you find out that its just a rat don't relax RUN as fast as you can and try to not look back because this usually means the zombie was actually standing behind you or would pop out of nowhere.
  • Now honey if you come across a town that looks dark and deserted turn your damn car around and find another town because its deserted for a reason mmmkaaaay?
  • If you see that hoe Bonquisha from down the street looking all zombified take a moment to enjoy how disgusting she looks and just find joy in the fact that she now looks like a ghetto version of Freddy Krueger with a bad weave job and after you have had in your few laughs unleash your inner Tomb raider and shoot that biatch!!!
  • If you notice that in your group there is one guy that stands out to be the hero of this whole thing you better strut yourself and get him to notice you, I'm saying you gotta drop it like its hot and not warm and get close to him because hero's always survive and they always do their best to save the girl they like.

  • GIFSoup
  • If after a somewhat long fight with a zombie you finally defeat and kill it, look right at the camera and do not lose focus on it and if it begins to pan away in slow motion then RUN like your ass is on fire because that usually means its panning towards a zombie thats behind you.
  • Unless you can fly, have bat wings or you can shoot spiderwebs out of your knuckles do not try to be the hero and save NOBODY!!! "Shoot you want me to go save who??? Huh i know your ass aint talking to me! Have you lost your damn mind do you not know that the wanna-be-hero always dies and plus aint like im gonna get much if i do die, there aint gonna be no 21 gun salut and R.Kelly aint for sure gonna come out and sing me no song"
  • Do not forget to stock up on food, water and supplies because wouldn't it be a bitch if you survived the zombie apocalypse but died of malnutrition.
  • If ALL else fails and you end up surrounded by a horde of hungry zombies, you only have ONE LAST choice left........BLEND IN!!!

Love,Peace and Bloody-coated hugs
A Mad Black Woman

P.S My girl Pixie could not write this post because those damn zombies got her, so if your out don't forget to pour out some Hennessy on the curb for my girl!

Ok so the reason why i did this post is for this years Blogger Zombie Walk by the wickedly awesome Sharon Day from the banging blog "Ghost Hunting Theories" and basically all the blogs that participate have to put up a zombie related blogpost and since this is a blog walk below are links to the other participating blogs so you have to check them out and read what awesome zombie related posts they have up.I hope you enjoy this zombie themed day!

Here is the link list, Enjoy!!!!!:
Ghost Hunting Theories
Above the Norm: Bizarre Arizona
Zombies Everywhere
Holly's Horrorland
Little Gothic Horrors
Anything Horror
Katy Bennett Horror Writer and Poet
Bubba's Place
Horror Smorgasbord
Monkey Man
Words and Music
Red Shoes Chronicles
The Wolf's Eyes
My Day in a Sentence
Strange State
The Misadventures of HalloweeNut
Halloween Blues
Kweeny Todd
The California Blogging Massacre
Horror Shock Lolipop
Vanessa Morgan
Improbable Frontiers
No Really, You Can Eat It
Art By Living Dead Girl Nicole
Two Gory Chicks
A Dust Bunny in the Wind
A Ghoul's Best Friend
Zombies Are Magic
Cherry Neko Saves the World
Tall Tales
At the Mansion of Madness
The Haunted Rose
The Rotting Zombie
Halloween Overkill
Out of the Shadows
Creepy Glow Keyhole Gallery
Creepy Glowbugg
Bifocal Univision
Sherry Soule
Anchors and Roses
Paranormal Researchers Group
Whispering Pines History
Lovely Miss Megs
Sean Thomas Fisher's Blogwash
Rise and Fight
Stump Town Horror
LoliClown's Little Blog of Horror
Zombies Can't Love
Books and Beyond
The Grave Bandits
Screaming Goregasms
Lazy Daisy Life
Icky Monster
Pretty in Fiction
Ivy's Closet
Justine's Halloween
Annie Walls
Just Johnny

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Oh Grim Reaper thou art a heartless B*tch!

Why? Because He or She is the personification of death. The Grim Reaper has many other names to which it called by, many of which I am sure you recognize: Angel of Death, Death, Devil of Death and from the bible Angel of dark and light. The job of the Grim Reaper is to take the souls of people whose time on earth has come to an end and to guide these souls from this world onto the next.

Now most people say I shouldn’t hate or be afraid of the Grim Reaper because he isn’t a bad guy at all. I guess I can see why they would say that because technically without him/her there wouldn’t be anyone to help guide us through the dying process and thus without an entity to guide us to the “next world” there would be a lot of lost souls unable to move on. I get it! I really do BUT how do you expect me to not be afraid of an entity that is a skeleton who wears a long black hooded cloak that covers most of his body, carries an hourglass around that counts down how many days and hours I have left on this earth and to put the bloody cherry on the cake he walks around with a HUGE scythe which he uses to harvest dead people’s souls, I mean really does he really need that big of a weapon?

So why do I call him/her a heartless b*tch? Because once that hourglass shows that your time is up THAT’S IT he is taking your life and you have no control over it, yep there aint no flash-backs of your life, R.Kelly doesn’t come out and sing you no song, you are just GONE and with the use of a scythe which seems like a violent way to leave this earth.

Now below are some stories that I came across about people who died after supposedly having encounters with the Grim Reaper and after reading some of them I realized that the Reaper is pretty devious in some of the ways that he takes these people’s lives but read it and decide for yourself:

Martin Raines was attending a twenty-first birthday party held by his brother in a house in Aurora, Illinois, USA. Martin was in the rear garden with his girlfriend, a colleague from work and two members of a local rock band. As they all talked together, Martin heard someone call out his name. Turning, he saw to figures standing in the shade of some bushes at the end of the garden. One of them he recognized as Jack Crawford, an old school-friend, remembered as a practical joker. The other was seemingly just a black silhouette in the evening gloom, around six feet five. Despite Crawford's joking personality, he wore a somber look on his face. By now, Martin's girlfriend and the two band members had also noticed the two figures at the end of the garden. Martin attempted to communicate with his old friend, asking him is he was gate-crashing the party. Instead of answering, Jack Crawford raised his hand and called "Goodbye, Martin", before fading away, along with the dark shadowy stranger. Martin and the other on-lookers walked to the end of the garden, but found no means by which Jack and his mysterious companion could have exited. The garden was surrounded by a high stone wall on all three sides. However, one thing they did notice was a smell of gas, which could not be explicated. It remained for around fifteen minutes after the incident, before finally disbursing. Martin was later that night informed by a friend that Crawford had been found dead in his home, after committing suicide. He had apparently gassed himself to death in an oven.
In October of 1967, a good-looking young woman named Christine got a job as a secretary with the Life Assurance Company based in London. On her first day at work, a co-worker called Jack asked her if he could take her out, but she politely declines, replying that she was saving herself for somebody else. When quizzed by Jack as to the identity of this lucky person, she confessed that she didn't really know who he was, only that he was a tall, dark, handsome young man whom she was seen in the street regularly, and that he always smiled at her. A week later, a letter arrived at the office addressed to Christine. A man had apparently handed it in at the reception desk on the ground floor and requested that it be passed on to her. The letter read as follows:
Dear Christine, our paths have finally met. Please meet me on the corner of Regent Street off Piccadilly Circus, near the Taxi-rank at 5:30.

The letter was signed: Tall, dark and handsome.
That evening before leaving the office, Christine went to the toilets and put on lipstick and eye-shadow, before leaving with the other staff. She went alone to the appointed meeting place. As she stood, she spotted Frank, her manager, watching her from the corner. When she asked him what he was doing, he explained that he was concerned for her safety, in case the man she was meeting wanted to hurt her. She told him that he would be okay on his own, and that he could leave, which he did. At 5:30pm, Christine was found dead at the taxi-rank. According to witnesses, she collapsed "like a rag-doll" and died almost instantly. The coroner gave cause of death as heart-failure, unusual, as Christine had never suffered from heart problems.
Mozart, a man so talented that he wrote a piano concerto aged 4, was sat in his home one evening in 1791, when he heard a knock at his door. When he opened it a tall man clad in black robes with white skin and black eyes entered, and requested that the musician compose a requiem for the late Count Walsegg. Mozart agreed, and the stranger smiled and left, after pointing his long finger at the composer. Mozart walked to the window to see the man leave, but his long garden path was empty. Mozart became convinced that he had just met Death, and confided in his closest friends that he felt like the requiem he was composing was for his own funeral. Days later, Mozart caught typhus and died. The piece he composed Requiem Mass, was played at his funeral.

There are many many more stories like the ones mentioned above but one will never know if they are really true. Whether the Grim Reaper truly does exist or if he is just a figment the human imagination one will never know until we meet our end.

Love, Peace and bloody-coated hugs

Horror Poems

Because I could not stop for Death
by Emily Dickinson

Because I could not stop for Death – 
He kindly stopped for me – 
The Carriage held but just Ourselves – 
And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility – 

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess – in the Ring – 
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain – 
We passed the Setting Sun – 

Or rather – He passed us – 
The Dews drew quivering and chill – 
For only Gossamer, my Gown – 
My Tippet – only Tulle – 

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground – 
The Roof was scarcely visible – 
The Cornice – in the Ground – 

Since then – 'tis Centuries – and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity – 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The “iDig your blog” award:

So I had received my very FIRST blog award from the ever wickedly awesome John C creator of the Horror Smorgasbord blog and I was really stoked and truly honored to get such an award. I’m not going to lie I spent many nights were I would cling to my Mr.Smuggles teddy on one side and a bunch of Kleenex tissues in the other wiping away my tears as I stared at my pc screen reading many a blogs and seeing how they all had a plethora of blog awards and I had none, damnit if it wasn’t for Gloria Gaynors “I will survive” song playing in the background I just do not know how I would have gotten over it.

Well now that I have one of my own I want to not only show it off but pass it on to other splendid blogs I dig!
So with this award comes a few rules that I have to abide to and complete before I can pop open the bottle of champagne I stole from my dad’s wine cabinet….

iDig Your Blog Award Protocol:
1 ) Gratefully accept this award.  
2 ) Link to the person you received it from.
3 ) Post 3 interesting facts about yourself.
4 ) Pass this award around to at least 5 blogs you dig.  
5 ) Notify them.

1.       I of course appreciatively accept this award and couldn’t be more happy to get it
2.       The great man who bestowed upon me my very first blog award is none other than John of Horror Smorgasbord. He is such a dedicated blogger who has created one of the most attention-grabbing horror blogs on here. If you aren’t following his blog yet, you should because his blog covers all aspects of the horror genre and I mean it ALL! If that doesn’t convince you to follow his blog well then here it is not only does he own a marvelous collection of horror masks he owns his own straight jacket (the same kind they use in mental wards), now I don’t know about you but ANYONE who owns a straight jacket is wickedly cool with me.
3.       I don’t find myself to be too interesting but let me scratch my head and see if I can find something:
·         Even though I’m too chicken to get one, I still have this HUGE fascination with tattoos and have been since I was younger. I just love the creativity of it all and I sometimes spend hours just looking on the internet at different tattoo designs and if I find a person with one I just get totally engulfed with the part on their body where they have it, am still surprised no one has pressed charges against me.
·         The one country that has stolen my heart ever since I was a child is Greece I have been so mesmerized by not only the pure beauty of this country but by its rich history as well. One of my many dreams I want to accomplish before I die is to travel there, the other country that was on that very same list was France but I have already been there and now im just dying inside to go to Greece.
·         I’m pretty Old School as my friends sometimes say I’m an old soul stuck in a young person’s body. I’m really into old movies and nothing cheers me more than just lounging by myself with a HUGE bowl of popcorn watching movies like Boys like girls, Breakfast at Tiffanys, The Godfather,Gone with the wind,The wizard of Oz etc… and even when it comes to my taste of music it’s the same, nothing cheers me up like a little Frank Sinatra, Billy Holiday, Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross, Nate King Cole, The commodores, Luther Vandross and so so many more.

  1.        Now to pass on this great award onto other deserving blogs and by the way I might include blogs that may have already gotten this award but it just would not be right if I didn’t Include you in this list:

5.       Now with that done I’m off to notify the mentioned people above. Thanks again John!