Uh uh Mr.Vampire back it up, I don't roll like that!!

Now i know especially with the new Twilight Breaking Dawn movie out, there are many-a-girls who are obsessed with vampires and would give anything even their life to be with a vampire but I am NOT one of those girls!! Now don't get me wrong honey there are some FINE DELICIOUS vampires out there, i mean you have to give credit where it is due and boy OH boy is it DUE when it comes to the looks department....

Mmmmm mmmmmm woooo child im gonna print that one out and put it on my night stand!!!...ahem uhm what was i talking about again?....uhmmmmm...OH RIGHT!...so anyways despite how gorgeous vampires are I could never see myself marry let alone date a vampire and these are my reasons why:

• Why the hell would i want to date someone who actually usually regards my kind as his prey and food supply??!! I mean excuse me for liking my haemoglobin right where it is and not running down my spouses oesophagus!!

So now not only do I have to worry about whether he loves me or not, or whether he is cheating on me now I gotta add the stress of whether one day he gonna bite a gal and "lose control" and suck her dry to a raisin?

• And WHY IN THE HELL do girls think that being bit by a vampire is a sensual and exotic experience??!!Listen, I was bit by a chihuahua once and there was NOTHING sexy, sensual or exotic about it mmmkay!

I was in agonizing pain for weeks, so if a chihuahua with minute teeth could do so much physical and emotional damage on a gal like me imagine HUGE ASS vampire canines!!

• My dear vampire lovers you obviously have not done your research quite well, because if you did then you would know that vampires carry rabies!! 

OH YES close that mouth! That hot tall smoking vampire making oogle eyes at you from across the room is rabies infested!Don't believe me? well leme school you honey-bunch, vampires are actually bats and bats are common rabies carriers in North America and most cases of rabies transmissions in the U.S over the past 50 years are from bats, so just remember while you being sensually bit on the neck a few weeks later you might just end up looking this:

and that aint sexy!

• Also all these girls who have slept with vampires you should be ashamed of yourselves cas no matter which way you spin it you still slept with a BAT!!.....a very sexy bat BUT a BAT nonetheless but naaaaahhhh go ahead!keep on sleeping with bat men and we will see how happy you will be when you give birth too half-bat babies instead of sexy vampire looking ones!!

• Marriage is a hard thing in itself just between mortals, maybe its just me because I have commitment issues but i just can't see myself not getting frustrated waking up to the same damn person everyday but as harsh as this will sound at least with a mortal you know that someday you will both die BUT damn  vampires are immortal you gotta wake up to the same man for ETERNITY!!! i mean eternity is a long ass time what will you talk about?! I would end up staking myself if not him if i was stuck in such a situation!
• As much as I love going out at night and partying with friends i just don't think I can do eternal darkness, I love my sunshine way too much and being with a vampire would require me giving up sunshine and thats just a little too much, plus since they never go in the sun that would mean I would be dating the most palest man known in history and don't know about you but I don't want to be dating a Casper the ghost lookalike.

• I'm claustrophobic so I definitely can not do coffins.
• Sleeping with a vampire would make me a necrophiliac and that's just plain gross.
• Vampires are immortal beings and thus never age. To most this is a good thing because it means that he will be hot for eternity but did you ever stop to think about you and how you are very mortal and thus will age. So many years down the line he will still be the same sexy, super fast and super strong vampire while you will be a half blind old wrinkly hag sitting in the living room attached to a dialysis machine with uncontrollable bowels. I will just kill myself if i had to wake up to sculpted handsome man while my body just decayed before his and my very eyes, if I'm gonna decay heck your ass better decay too cas we in this together!

So my dears next time a sexy vampire comes up to you before you fall head over heels in love take these pointers into consideration and if your smart enough you will end up taking out your crucifix and point it right at him and scream "Uh Uh Mr. Vampire back it up, Pixie taught me not to roll like that!"

Love, Peace and Bloody-coated hugs

Pixie

*I'mmmmm baaaccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!*

Survival Guide from a Mad Black Woman in a Zombie Apocalypse

• Girl you need to surround yourself with slow ass people, yes you heard me get as many slow friends as you can get the fatter the better because they will be your shield, zombies go for slow people because they are the easiest to catch so all you got to do is be in the middle and watch each of them go down one by one until you reach your next hide-out spot.
• Get yourself some guns and i meant it in plural form, whatever you can get your hands on GET IT, a real woman never walks around without her pistols.

• You needs to get you a weave or some sort of hair extensions because the more fake hair you have the harder its goin be for the zombies to get to your brains.
• If you are at a hide-out spot with a group of survivors and you realize that you are the ONLY black person in that crowd, then RUN bitch because the black person always dies in horror movies especially if they the only black one in the group.
• If you suspect that your child may have turned into a zombie you need to have spare belts at hand so you can WHOOP the zombie out of that child, i mean you need to straight TEAR-THAT-ASS-UP you gotta tell these children straight up who they dealing with " I dun spent 12 hours in labour trying to give birth to your raggedy ass and now you wanna eat me? EAT THIS U LIL SPAWN OF SATAN!!!!"
• Don't act so sad and cry about your husband turning into a zombie i mean aint like he was any different from before, heck i would say he has improved because at least now he has drive and ambitions. Also DO NOT hesitate for one bit to shoot his ass once he does turn because now with the apocalypse its all about you, screw "For better or worse" and think more on the lines of "Till death do you part" and you better kill him if you wanna part.
• Unless your first name is Sherlock and your surname Holmes don't try to solve the puzzle as to how or why the apocalypse happened just be happy you are still alive and do not be dumb enough to go around opening doors trying to discover what's behind them because that will just get your ass killed.
• If your in a room and hear a noise if your dumb enough to go and investigate it and you find out that its just a rat don't relax RUN as fast as you can and try to not look back because this usually means the zombie was actually standing behind you or would pop out of nowhere.
• Now honey if you come across a town that looks dark and deserted turn your damn car around and find another town because its deserted for a reason mmmkaaaay?
• If you see that hoe Bonquisha from down the street looking all zombified take a moment to enjoy how disgusting she looks and just find joy in the fact that she now looks like a ghetto version of Freddy Krueger with a bad weave job and after you have had in your few laughs unleash your inner Tomb raider and shoot that biatch!!!
• If you notice that in your group there is one guy that stands out to be the hero of this whole thing you better strut yourself and get him to notice you, I'm saying you gotta drop it like its hot and not warm and get close to him because hero's always survive and they always do their best to save the girl they like.

GIFSoup
• If after a somewhat long fight with a zombie you finally defeat and kill it, look right at the camera and do not lose focus on it and if it begins to pan away in slow motion then RUN like your ass is on fire because that usually means its panning towards a zombie thats behind you.
• Unless you can fly, have bat wings or you can shoot spiderwebs out of your knuckles do not try to be the hero and save NOBODY!!! "Shoot you want me to go save who??? Huh i know your ass aint talking to me! Have you lost your damn mind do you not know that the wanna-be-hero always dies and plus aint like im gonna get much if i do die, there aint gonna be no 21 gun salut and R.Kelly aint for sure gonna come out and sing me no song"
• Do not forget to stock up on food, water and supplies because wouldn't it be a bitch if you survived the zombie apocalypse but died of malnutrition.
• If ALL else fails and you end up surrounded by a horde of hungry zombies, you only have ONE LAST choice left........BLEND IN!!!

Love,Peace and Bloody-coated hugs

A Mad Black Woman

P.S My girl Pixie could not write this post because those damn zombies got her, so if your out don't forget to pour out some Hennessy on the curb for my girl!

Ok so the reason why i did this post is for this years Blogger Zombie Walk by the wickedly awesome Sharon Day from the banging blog "Ghost Hunting Theories" and basically all the blogs that participate have to put up a zombie related blogpost and since this is a blog walk below are links to the other participating blogs so you have to check them out and read what awesome zombie related posts they have up.I hope you enjoy this zombie themed day!

Here is the link list, Enjoy!!!!!:
Ghost Hunting Theories
Above the Norm: Bizarre Arizona
Zombies Everywhere
Holly's Horrorland
Little Gothic Horrors
Anything Horror
Katy Bennett Horror Writer and Poet
Bubba's Place
Horror Smorgasbord
Gnostalgia
Monkey Man
Words and Music
Red Shoes Chronicles
The Wolf's Eyes
My Day in a Sentence
Strange State
The Misadventures of HalloweeNut
Halloween Blues
Kweeny Todd
The California Blogging Massacre
Horror Shock Lolipop
Vanessa Morgan
Improbable Frontiers
No Really, You Can Eat It
Art By Living Dead Girl Nicole
Two Gory Chicks
A Dust Bunny in the Wind
A Ghoul's Best Friend
Zombies Are Magic
Cherry Neko Saves the World
Tall Tales
At the Mansion of Madness
The Haunted Rose
The Rotting Zombie
Halloween Overkill
Out of the Shadows
Creepy Glow Keyhole Gallery
Creepy Glowbugg
Bifocal Univision
Haiku-Koo-Koo
Sherry Soule
Anchors and Roses
Paranormal Researchers Group
Whispering Pines History
Lovely Miss Megs
Sean Thomas Fisher's Blogwash
Rise and Fight
Stump Town Horror
LoliClown's Little Blog of Horror
Zombies Can't Love
Books and Beyond
The Grave Bandits
Screaming Goregasms
Lazy Daisy Life
Icky Monster
Pretty in Fiction
Ivy's Closet
Justine's Halloween
Annie Walls
Just Johnny

Oh Grim Reaper thou art a heartless B*tch!

Why? Because He or She is the personification of death. The Grim Reaper has many other names to which it called by, many of which I am sure you recognize: Angel of Death, Death, Devil of Death and from the bible Angel of dark and light. The job of the Grim Reaper is to take the souls of people whose time on earth has come to an end and to guide these souls from this world onto the next.

Now most people say I shouldn’t hate or be afraid of the Grim Reaper because he isn’t a bad guy at all. I guess I can see why they would say that because technically without him/her there wouldn’t be anyone to help guide us through the dying process and thus without an entity to guide us to the “next world” there would be a lot of lost souls unable to move on. I get it! I really do BUT how do you expect me to not be afraid of an entity that is a skeleton who wears a long black hooded cloak that covers most of his body, carries an hourglass around that counts down how many days and hours I have left on this earth and to put the bloody cherry on the cake he walks around with a HUGE scythe which he uses to harvest dead people’s souls, I mean really does he really need that big of a weapon?

So why do I call him/her a heartless b*tch? Because once that hourglass shows that your time is up THAT’S IT he is taking your life and you have no control over it, yep there aint no flash-backs of your life, R.Kelly doesn’t come out and sing you no song, you are just GONE and with the use of a scythe which seems like a violent way to leave this earth.

Now below are some stories that I came across about people who died after supposedly having encounters with the Grim Reaper and after reading some of them I realized that the Reaper is pretty devious in some of the ways that he takes these people’s lives but read it and decide for yourself:

1998

Martin Raines was attending a twenty-first birthday party held by his brother in a house in Aurora, Illinois, USA. Martin was in the rear garden with his girlfriend, a colleague from work and two members of a local rock band. As they all talked together, Martin heard someone call out his name. Turning, he saw to figures standing in the shade of some bushes at the end of the garden. One of them he recognized as Jack Crawford, an old school-friend, remembered as a practical joker. The other was seemingly just a black silhouette in the evening gloom, around six feet five. Despite Crawford's joking personality, he wore a somber look on his face. By now, Martin's girlfriend and the two band members had also noticed the two figures at the end of the garden. Martin attempted to communicate with his old friend, asking him is he was gate-crashing the party. Instead of answering, Jack Crawford raised his hand and called "Goodbye, Martin", before fading away, along with the dark shadowy stranger. Martin and the other on-lookers walked to the end of the garden, but found no means by which Jack and his mysterious companion could have exited. The garden was surrounded by a high stone wall on all three sides. However, one thing they did notice was a smell of gas, which could not be explicated. It remained for around fifteen minutes after the incident, before finally disbursing. Martin was later that night informed by a friend that Crawford had been found dead in his home, after committing suicide. He had apparently gassed himself to death in an oven.

1967

In October of 1967, a good-looking young woman named Christine got a job as a secretary with the Life Assurance Company based in London. On her first day at work, a co-worker called Jack asked her if he could take her out, but she politely declines, replying that she was saving herself for somebody else. When quizzed by Jack as to the identity of this lucky person, she confessed that she didn't really know who he was, only that he was a tall, dark, handsome young man whom she was seen in the street regularly, and that he always smiled at her. A week later, a letter arrived at the office addressed to Christine. A man had apparently handed it in at the reception desk on the ground floor and requested that it be passed on to her. The letter read as follows:

Dear Christine, our paths have finally met. Please meet me on the corner of Regent Street off Piccadilly Circus, near the Taxi-rank at 5:30.

The letter was signed: Tall, dark and handsome.

That evening before leaving the office, Christine went to the toilets and put on lipstick and eye-shadow, before leaving with the other staff. She went alone to the appointed meeting place. As she stood, she spotted Frank, her manager, watching her from the corner. When she asked him what he was doing, he explained that he was concerned for her safety, in case the man she was meeting wanted to hurt her. She told him that he would be okay on his own, and that he could leave, which he did. At 5:30pm, Christine was found dead at the taxi-rank. According to witnesses, she collapsed "like a rag-doll" and died almost instantly. The coroner gave cause of death as heart-failure, unusual, as Christine had never suffered from heart problems.

1791

Mozart, a man so talented that he wrote a piano concerto aged 4, was sat in his home one evening in 1791, when he heard a knock at his door. When he opened it a tall man clad in black robes with white skin and black eyes entered, and requested that the musician compose a requiem for the late Count Walsegg. Mozart agreed, and the stranger smiled and left, after pointing his long finger at the composer. Mozart walked to the window to see the man leave, but his long garden path was empty. Mozart became convinced that he had just met Death, and confided in his closest friends that he felt like the requiem he was composing was for his own funeral. Days later, Mozart caught typhus and died. The piece he composed Requiem Mass, was played at his funeral.

There are many many more stories like the ones mentioned above but one will never know if they are really true. Whether the Grim Reaper truly does exist or if he is just a figment the human imagination one will never know until we meet our end.

Love, Peace and bloody-coated hugs

Pixie

Horror Poems

Because I could not stop for Death

by Emily Dickinson

Because I could not stop for Death – 

He kindly stopped for me – 

The Carriage held but just Ourselves – 

And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste

And I had put away

My labor and my leisure too,

For His Civility – 

We passed the School, where Children strove

At Recess – in the Ring – 

We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain – 

We passed the Setting Sun – 

Or rather – He passed us – 

The Dews drew quivering and chill – 

For only Gossamer, my Gown – 

My Tippet – only Tulle – 

We paused before a House that seemed

A Swelling of the Ground – 

The Roof was scarcely visible – 

The Cornice – in the Ground – 

Since then – 'tis Centuries – and yet

Feels shorter than the Day

I first surmised the Horses' Heads

Were toward Eternity –