Thursday, September 29, 2011

Survival Guide from a Mad Black Woman in a Zombie Apocalypse


  • Girl you need to surround yourself with slow ass people, yes you heard me get as many slow friends as you can get the fatter the better because they will be your shield, zombies go for slow people because they are the easiest to catch so all you got to do is be in the middle and watch each of them go down one by one until you reach your next hide-out spot.
  • Get yourself some guns and i meant it in plural form, whatever you can get your hands on GET IT, a real woman never walks around without her pistols.

  • You needs to get you a weave or some sort of hair extensions because the more fake hair you have the harder its goin be for the zombies to get to your brains.
  • If you are at a hide-out spot with a group of survivors and you realize that you are the ONLY black person in that crowd, then RUN bitch because the black person always dies in horror movies especially if they the only black one in the group.
  • If you suspect that your child may have turned into a zombie you need to have spare belts at hand so you can WHOOP the zombie out of that child, i mean you need to straight TEAR-THAT-ASS-UP you gotta tell these children straight up who they dealing with " I dun spent 12 hours in labour trying to give birth to your raggedy ass and now you wanna eat me? EAT THIS U LIL SPAWN OF SATAN!!!!"
  • Don't act so sad and cry about your husband turning into a zombie i mean aint like he was any different from before, heck i would say he has improved because at least now he has drive and ambitions. Also DO NOT hesitate for one bit to shoot his ass once he does turn because now with the apocalypse its all about you, screw "For better or worse" and think more on the lines of "Till death do you part" and you better kill him if you wanna part.
  • Unless your first name is Sherlock and your surname Holmes don't try to solve the puzzle as to how or why the apocalypse happened just be happy you are still alive and do not be dumb enough to go around opening doors trying to discover what's behind them because that will just get your ass killed.
  • If your in a room and hear a noise if your dumb enough to go and investigate it and you find out that its just a rat don't relax RUN as fast as you can and try to not look back because this usually means the zombie was actually standing behind you or would pop out of nowhere.
  • Now honey if you come across a town that looks dark and deserted turn your damn car around and find another town because its deserted for a reason mmmkaaaay?
  • If you see that hoe Bonquisha from down the street looking all zombified take a moment to enjoy how disgusting she looks and just find joy in the fact that she now looks like a ghetto version of Freddy Krueger with a bad weave job and after you have had in your few laughs unleash your inner Tomb raider and shoot that biatch!!!
  • If you notice that in your group there is one guy that stands out to be the hero of this whole thing you better strut yourself and get him to notice you, I'm saying you gotta drop it like its hot and not warm and get close to him because hero's always survive and they always do their best to save the girl they like.

  • GIFSoup
  • If after a somewhat long fight with a zombie you finally defeat and kill it, look right at the camera and do not lose focus on it and if it begins to pan away in slow motion then RUN like your ass is on fire because that usually means its panning towards a zombie thats behind you.
  • Unless you can fly, have bat wings or you can shoot spiderwebs out of your knuckles do not try to be the hero and save NOBODY!!! "Shoot you want me to go save who??? Huh i know your ass aint talking to me! Have you lost your damn mind do you not know that the wanna-be-hero always dies and plus aint like im gonna get much if i do die, there aint gonna be no 21 gun salut and R.Kelly aint for sure gonna come out and sing me no song"
  • Do not forget to stock up on food, water and supplies because wouldn't it be a bitch if you survived the zombie apocalypse but died of malnutrition.
  • If ALL else fails and you end up surrounded by a horde of hungry zombies, you only have ONE LAST choice left........BLEND IN!!!

Love,Peace and Bloody-coated hugs
A Mad Black Woman

P.S My girl Pixie could not write this post because those damn zombies got her, so if your out don't forget to pour out some Hennessy on the curb for my girl!


Ok so the reason why i did this post is for this years Blogger Zombie Walk by the wickedly awesome Sharon Day from the banging blog "Ghost Hunting Theories" and basically all the blogs that participate have to put up a zombie related blogpost and since this is a blog walk below are links to the other participating blogs so you have to check them out and read what awesome zombie related posts they have up.I hope you enjoy this zombie themed day!

Here is the link list, Enjoy!!!!!:
Ghost Hunting Theories
Above the Norm: Bizarre Arizona
Zombies Everywhere
Holly's Horrorland
Little Gothic Horrors
Anything Horror
Katy Bennett Horror Writer and Poet
Bubba's Place
Horror Smorgasbord
Gnostalgia
Monkey Man
Words and Music
Red Shoes Chronicles
The Wolf's Eyes
My Day in a Sentence
Strange State
The Misadventures of HalloweeNut
Halloween Blues
Kweeny Todd
The California Blogging Massacre
Horror Shock Lolipop
Vanessa Morgan
Improbable Frontiers
No Really, You Can Eat It
Art By Living Dead Girl Nicole
Two Gory Chicks
A Dust Bunny in the Wind
A Ghoul's Best Friend
Zombies Are Magic
Cherry Neko Saves the World
Tall Tales
At the Mansion of Madness
The Haunted Rose
The Rotting Zombie
Halloween Overkill
Out of the Shadows
Creepy Glow Keyhole Gallery
Creepy Glowbugg
Bifocal Univision
Haiku-Koo-Koo
Sherry Soule
Anchors and Roses
Paranormal Researchers Group
Whispering Pines History
Lovely Miss Megs
Sean Thomas Fisher's Blogwash
Rise and Fight
Stump Town Horror
LoliClown's Little Blog of Horror
Zombies Can't Love
Books and Beyond
The Grave Bandits
Screaming Goregasms
Lazy Daisy Life
Icky Monster
Pretty in Fiction
Ivy's Closet
Justine's Halloween
Annie Walls
Just Johnny

17 comments:

  1. haha Being a zombie I will pour out some formaldehyde for you Pixie wherever you are :)

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  2. Zombilicious! This was the only thing related to Tyler Perry that I've ever found truly funny!

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  3. Fantastic post! This is the best and funniest one that I've read so far.

    Thanks for sharing. Zombies ROCK!! :-D


    ~Sherry

    Check Out My Books!

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  4. Cool post, i want to be her when I grow up. Thanks for the laugh

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  5. Don't forget the cricket bat and the double tap.

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  6. Hilarious. I could see Medea giving this advise for real hahaha! "Hellur". Awesome post! :)

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  7. I greatly enjoyed this... and your other post on the grim reaper as well.
    ~Vanessa Morgan

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  8. Say it isn't so!! The zombies got Pixie? I refuse to believe it!!! But I'll keep that Hennessy on hand just in case!

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  9. Haha! Good job Madea. ;) Somehow I'm sure that Pixie will pull through and survive!

    My favorite one was: You needs to get you a weave or some sort of hair extensions because the more fake hair you have the harder its goin be for the zombies to get to your brains.

    I actually heard about a woman who was saved from a bullet by her weave! You have got to check this out:

    http://www.fox4kc.com/wdaf-hair-weave-bullet-story,0,1242972.story

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  10. Oh, I'm so shooting that face first when it all goes down. Creepy.

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  11. LOL!!! Love your post! It cracked me up! *gives Pixie fist bumps*

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  12. Funny, but you forgot to say "If you're black don't use words like whacked, fly or fool." No token black person in a movie can get killed until they use one of those words.

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  13. HAHAHAHA THANKS GUYS SOOOOOO MUCH FOR LIKING MY POST but all the THANKS SHOULD GOR TO SHARON for coming up with the concept of a Blogger Zombie Walk, i really had fun doing this post.

    @Justine OMG thanks for that link who would a thought weaves DO actually save lives hahahaha i think we shud all begin to invest in one hahaha

    You guys all rock and yes don't worry I escaped the Zombies they were no match for me so you can all put away the Hennessy.....wait on second thought bring it out and lets have a PAAAAAARRRRRRRTTTTAAAAAAAYYY!!! lol

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  14. Lol. That was funny. Don't ever try to be the hero!

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